21 Everyday Email Subjects That Provoke Existential Dread

Mark as Read.

by the Editors


From: Helen@YourImportantJob.com
To: Me
CC: All Staff
Subject: I believe you hit reply-all to that last email…


From: Franny@PageSix.com
To: Me
Subject line: Um, is this about u?


From: Brenda@YourLeastFavoriteSister.com
To: Me
Subject line: Mom called, she’s pissed.


From: Hannah@ProjectVeritas.com
To: Me
Subject line: I had no idea that guy was a reporter


From: Alumni Society
To: Me
Subject line: Save the date! Reunion 2018!


From: Peter@AspiringThinkfluencer.com
To: Me
Subject line:  Please help me complete my Kickstarter!


From: Lauren@YourRoommateWhoseFoodYouAlwaysEat.com
Bcc: Me
Subject line: Hope you didn’t eat that chicken I made…


From: OkCupid
To: Me
Subject line: KerouacIsMyTruth69 messaged you on OkCupid


From: Kelly@YourDreamSchool.com
To: Me
Subject line: We have reviewed your application.


From: Brittney@YourHighSchool.edu
To: Me
Subject line: Hey dude, do you value your health? Bc I have a great essential oil investment opportunity for YOU!


From: Brandon@YourBank.com
To: Me
Subject line: Security Alert: Unusual Debit Card Activity Detected


From: Drew@LinkedIn.com
To: Me
Subject line: You appeared in 85 searches this week


From: Mark@TooManyInstagramPosts.com
To: Me
Subject line: did you block me?


From: Google Alerts
To: Monica
Subject line: Google Alert – monica torres breitbart


From: Pat@YourChattyCoWorker.com
To: Me
Subject line: I’m having an improv show


From: Sasha@ThatInternYouSaidYouWouldWriteARecomendationFor.com
To: Me
Subject line: Just following up again!


From: Henry@Hookup.com
To: Me
Subject line: So before you hear it from someone else…


From: Jackie@TheMagazineYouLove.com
To: Me
Subject: Thank you for your submission!


From: Mary@YouAreABadFriend.com
To: Me
Subject: Thanks for forgetting my birthday.


From: Tom@YourSnoopingBoyfriend.com
To: Me
Subject: Hey babe, so I was looking through your phone…


From: Joan@democraticparty.com
To: Me
Subject: It can get worse – dear God send us money


Defining Mother: A Quick Vocabulary Lesson

A guide to all the convoluted, contradictory meanings the many words around motherhood have taken.

By Gabrielle Sierra

Mommy: a term often used by young children to address their mothers. Term may also be used by adults when calling their mothers in search of comfort or money.

Not to be confused with:

Mami: Spanish for mommy. Term is also used affectionately in romantic relationships or not so affectionately by that guy who follows you down the street while making catcalling sounds even though you already pointed to your headphones and told him to fuck off.

Mother Fucker: a disparaging term for a nemesis that doesn’t actually seem like an insult when you spell it out because, like, congrats you have sex with moms and that is just normal life.

Not to be confused with:

Badass Mother Fucker: affectionate term for someone who is tough, even though they are still having sex with moms which seems to be the disparaging part? I don’t understand.

Not to be confused with:

Tough Mudder: a track of muddy obstacles for insane people with a masochistic streak and too much time and money.

Mom: a term used by children to address their mothers. Term is also used by youths on social media in order to shower praise on a celebrity.


Me: Will you be my mom, Beyonce?

Beyonce: No.

Not to be confused with:

Mommie Dearest: the term that actress Joan Crawford demanded her children call her.

Term was also used as the title of the tell-all book by Crawford’s daughter and a film in which Crawford is portrayed as a lunatic. Probably just a coincidence though, since this seems like a totally normal thing to make your children call you.

Motherboard: a circuit board inside your computer. Often referenced in early 1990’s hacker movies or by nerds in the office.

Not to be confused with:

Motherboy: An annual mother-son contest and dinner-dance attended by Lucille Bluth and Buster Bluth on “Arrested Development.” (Motherboy was also a heavy metal band that used to rock pretty hard in the 70s. We are legally obligated to make the distinction.)

Mama Mia!: a term that can be used while you are going undercover as an Italian chef and you have to exclaim excitedly about something.


Me: “Mama Mia! This sauce is delicious! Mangia!”

Actual Italian person: “Shut up.”

Not to be confused with:

Mamma Mia!: a musical based on the songs of ABBA that tells the story of a young woman seeking to find her father before she gets married. In retrospect it seems like a missed opportunity to not call this Papa Mia.

Mama: a term used to reference a mother. Often used lovingly between female friends or in bad insult jokes. Also used in that Black Eyed Peas song “Hey Mama” that was inescapable in 2003.

Not to be confused with:

MoMA: The Museum of Modern Art. It’s great you should take your mom.

Mother’s Milk: Milk produced in the breasts of females who have recently given birth. This substance is free, natural and nutritious and feeds newborns and infants.

Not to be confused with:

Mother’s Milk Stout: a dark and creamy beer made by Keegans. This substance is not free, natural or nutritious but has hints of oatmeal and chocolate and can get your Saturday night buzz going.