5 Summer Drink Recipes for People Who Are Already Drunk

You don’t have to be a mixologist or own the “correct” ingredients or be fully “sober” in order to come up with a creative summer cocktail.

by Gabrielle Sierra

You don’t have to be a mixologist or own the “correct” ingredients or be fully “sober” in order to come up with a creative summer cocktail. You are a strong and confident member of this community, and damn it you can replace club soda with tonic and lime juice with milk if you want to! So whether you like your booze in a martini glass or out of a paper bag, these five “mixed” drinks are sure to fit your every warm-weather whim no matter what you have handy.

Garden of Earthly Delights

Ingredients: Mint snatched from your neighbor’s yard, rum, club soda, ice

Steal the mint and shove it into a cheap bottle of rum. Store the bottle for a few days and make sure to tell everyone about how you infuse things now because you are classy and take advantage of fresh summer herbs. Retrieve the bottle while hosting a barbeque and realize the rum turned brown. Play it off like you meant it to be brown and anyone who thinks it looks gross just isn’t earthy enough. Make a loud toast to Mother Earth and cast a sharp eye at Debbie who clearly hates the earth because she is refusing to drink your cocktail.

The Beach Towel

Ingredients: Warm vodka, a splash of warm iced tea, suntan lotion rim

Enjoy this delightful beverage at the beach after you realize that the beer stand only takes cash and you don’t have any cash but you do have a water bottle half-filled with vodka and a few sips left from a can of Arizona iced tea. Bonus points if you just applied sunscreen all over your face and it transfers to the sandy rim of your bottle to capture that perfect summer flavor. Cheers to you, you clever bathing beauty.

Summer Sangria

Ingredients: Back-of-the-fridge white wine, rum, apples, canned fruit (drained)

Hey, there is an open bottle of wine back here! It smells okay, what do you think? Eh, yeah I wouldn’t drink that, but I bet we can make sangria with it! What goes in sangria? We have an apple I’ll add that. Yeah just pour in the rum, I don’t think we have to measure. Oh, we have no other fresh fruit. Hey here is a jar of fruit cocktail! That will work, right? Let’s drain it first though, we aren’t savages. Shit, no one filled up the ice trays. Oh well, I am sure it will be fine.

The August Night Margarita

Ingredients: Tequila, old bottled lime juice, tonic, salt rim

It is midnight and you and your friends are ready to go out and enjoy the hot summer night but everyone wants one more drink. You search your fridge and pantry for the margarita mix you could have sworn was in there but after realizing you don’t have any you decide that tonic water should do the trick. Pour in a bunch of that sticky sweet juice you found in that lime-shaped plastic bottle because maybe that will make it taste more like a margarita. Sprinkle salt around the edge and serve with a flourish. Bottoms up, you genius.

Watermelon Crush

Ingredients: Vodka, fresh watermelon

Chop up that half of a delicious sweet watermelon you found at the store and place it in a bowl. Pour vodka over the top. Keep pouring. Store the watermelon in the fridge for a day and then serve to your family for a light treat. It tastes like pure vodka and now everyone is drunk. Keep eating pieces until your mother’s judgmental gaze and teenaged cousin’s vomiting fades into a thick beautiful summer fog and all you remember is your great contribution to this year’s family reunion.